Life isn't fair.

Lucy went back to the vet today. I called home as soon as I stepped in the door after work and got the least comforting news possible.

"They said she could go anytime now."

That poor sweet dog. I saw her just two and a half weeks ago and she seemed fine. She was a little bit under the weather, but we all assumed it was a just run-of-the-mill doggy stomach bug. She was her usual playful, affectionate, absolutely adorable self. She even seemed to recover completely the following week.

I don't know all the details and I probably don't want to, but evidently, she has some sort of red blood cell disorder. The vet kept her on an iv for a while today before calling my dad to come pick her up. There's nothing more they can do. They sent her home with pills, but the prognosis is grim. Our baby has a 10-15% chance of making it through this.

Dad assured me, through tears and sobs as overwhelming as my own, that she isn't in any pain. She's still able to walk and get around. She even had a little something to eat this afternoon.

FUCK. This is so hard.

I'm completely at odds with myself for not wanting to go home. I'd love to be there for my dad, but I don't want to remember Lucy like this. Is that selfish beyond reason? Sadly, my most vivid memories of Sam, our childhood dog, are of her final days. I literally watched her die. I was there when she took her final labored breath, and that's an image that I'll never be able to shake. Eight years later, it still brings me to tears. I don't want to see that again.

Red and Dad picked Lucy out at Contented Critters, a local animal shelter, one week after Sam passed away....when the wounds were still mighty fresh. I remember thinking to myself, it will be easier to see this one go. I'll be out of the house, living my own life by then. It won't be like losing Sam, who was a constant companion throughout my childhood and adolesence. Unfortunately, I was wrong. It's not any easier this time around.

I guess the only thing left to do now is pray. As much as I'd love to see her miraculously recover, I'm praying with all my might that she leaves this world without pain...and with a knowledge that no dog ever has been or ever will be loved more than she is.