Weekend recap

This weekend was every bit as fun as I expected it to be.

We kicked off the festivities with a trip to Applebees for some eatin' good in Red's neighborhood. Shortly after, we made our way to the ultra-modern hotel that was our home for the evening. When we pulled into the parking lot, there were two men in uniform walking into the hotel. Oh, the weakness we have for military types. Red, who can't see her hand two feet in front of her face but can remarkably detect a uniformed presence within a fifteen mile radius, excitedly pointed them out to me. I smiled and said, "oh, two of them" to which my sister excitedly squealed, flailed her arms, and shouted "AND TWO OF US!" Highlight of the weekend.

After checking in, I figured we'd relax a little, kick back, and just get settled. Red thought not. Within fifteen minutes of arriving, she was rushing me along, concerned that we were wasting quality bar time. We hauled ass down to the deserted lounge and bellied up to the bar. That's when we met her...the woman who has defied logic to become the world's worst bartender and the world's best bartender simultaneously. She asked to see our ids and was so focused on telling us over and over again that the fine for a bartender who serves a minor has just been increased to $3000 that she forgot to even look at Red's expired permit. Next, she tried to set one or both of us up with Bob, the waitor who "plays the drum." Then she disappeared for forty-five minutes. That's pretty much how our night with her went. She was surprisingly absent from her post, but when she occasionally graced us with her presence, holy guacamole was she entertaining. She tried to hook the Morley girls up with each and every man that dared step into that bar. We had in-depth discussions about frozen pizza, movies, sex appeal, the hot chef, and soy sauce...good God, the soy sauce.












A couple hours into our bar experience, Tuna arrived to spend some quality time with us. Yay, yay, yay! I sure miss that woman sometimes. Best part? She and Rosemary (another woman that lived on the street while we did) went to Chuck's house earlier in the day and met his new girlfriend and bitch sister. I got the scoop...and it made my day.

We were having so much fun with Tuna that we just couldn't resist including others in our joy. It would have been selfish of us not to. So, the drunk calls and text messages began. We were having the time of our lives (except for the icky bald guy getting free drinks because there was a large, unflushable shit in his toilet when he arrived) when Soy Sauce confirmed our worst fear. The bar closes at 11:00...and 11:00 was quickly approaching. We did what we had to do. We relocated to Major's just down the street. Icky guy drove us. That was nice of him. In retrospect, so not worth it though. Frostbite or getting hit by a car may have been more pleasant.

I invited Tequila Bobby to join us at Major's and when he readily accepted, I was delighted. Tuna predicted repeatedly that I would make out with him before that night came to an end. I love that she knows me so well. But he never showed up. The drum guy stood me up.

Guess who didn't stand me up though? Rosemary! She moved away from the street about a month after I did and I haven't seen her since the day I moved...when she was outside in her bra washing windows and Red told her she has a hot body. It was so freaking nice to see her. She's one of the best ego feeders I've ever met.

Rosemary and her friend eventually took off and I had this rotten feeling that our night was coming to an end as well. Tuna hadn't planned on staying out very late and our driver was starting to look at us like he might put us all in his trunk and keep us there. Just then, when straits had become so dire that Red was actually calling Chuck...Rob walked in! Make no mistake, I've been a Rob fan for almost as long as I've known him, but I have never been this excited to see him before. To express our appreciation and adoration, Red and I took turns grinding on him.

Just when we thought our evening couldn't get any better, Aurora and Alexis decided to pay us a surprise visit. I love that Rob announced, "Aurora's here" and we ignored him because he's never met her before and how would he know? Somehow, he just did.

The night was filled with dancing, laughs, the traditional pictures with random guys, and finally...FINALLY...at 1am, we found men to buy us drinks. It never takes that long. We're obviously losing our appeal. Coincidence that our luck changed when Aurora and Alexis arrived? I think not! One of the men, an airline mechanic quite possibly twice my age, brought me a pen along with my beer, so I could write my phone number on his box of Marlboro Lights. Classy.

Alexis and Aurora came back to the hotel for a nice visit after we were all herded out of the bar. Red and I eventually fell into our beds at about 4am. We surprised ourselves by waking up after only four hours of sleep, eager to get our day of fun started. After taking showers reminiscent of the Vietnam War and throwing all of our shit back into our bags, we were off to Perkins for a hearty breakfast. Oh, the blueberry muffins. The stuff dreams are made of.

After Perkins, we tried our hardest to scrounge up some motivation and actually do something (anything!) until 1:00, when the movie was to start. We walked like zombies around Target for fifteen minutes and took my car through a car wash. Then we called off all plans to sit in Red's living room watching the American's Next Top Model marathon.

The weekend overall? Fantastic. I wouldn't trade the memories for anything.