I don't think I'm ready to break up with him either, Red.

Chuck implored me to not blog about the issues we've faced in the last four days or the dark cloud of gloom that has since settled over our once-happy home. Then he told me he's going to go for a bike ride/walk without me after I asked him several times to do just that with me on this gorgeous evening. Damn it, Chuck, I'm blogging now. It's therapeutic.

My Saturday night with Red was really very great. It's been too long since we've hung out, just the two of us, drinking and giggling and playing with handsaws. Even when we took pity on the pathetic, begging neighbors and reluctantly included them in our festivities, we had fun. Fun and licorice. Red has some really good ideas when she's drunk.

Then I sobered up. Chuck came home yesterday and didn't want to interact with me, but who can blame him? I wouldn't have wanted to either. To make matters worse, I forgot (meaning I was too hungover) to clean. I felt okay about things in general though. I was aware that my life would be changing drastically and some of the changes would probably suck, but hey, I'm one tough cookie and I can handle it. Right?

This morning when Chuck woke up, he walked straight past my bedroom and into the bathroom. No customary good morning smile and poke in the ribs! Not a word! Not even a glance!

That marked the beginning of my day of tears. I bawled my eyes out for 20 minutes because he didn't say good morning to me. Why didn't anyone tell me a breakup would change our relationship?! Luckily, by the time he left for work, I'd dried my eyes and regained my composure. I wasn't going to let him leave without a morning hug. It's tradition. The hug was uncomfortable, unwelcome, and unreciprocated, except for a light pity pat on the back. I started crying all over again.

I cried at work at least three times today. Thankfully it didn't escalate to my trademark loud, snorting, snot-sucking, pitiful sobs. I saved those for home.

I found myself upset that Chuck was being distant and withdrawn because we will most likely continue living together in this house until our lease ends in a month. We still like each other. We could still drink and play darts. There's no reason we should ignore each other and just settle on "existing peacefully."

Today, he's been much more genial and talkative...you know, all the things I wanted him to be while we continue to share a residence. I'm pretty sure he's making the effort simply because he has a big heart, not because he wants to. Trouble is, I can't be near him for more than five minutes without bursting into tears and leaving the room.

He talked about work. I cried. He's come so far in the two years that we've been together. He's ambitious and brilliant. I'm so damned proud of him and so happy that he has finally found satisfaction in his career.

He talked about buying this house. I cried. We were supposed to buy this house together.

He talked about telling his sister that we broke up. I cried. Just a few short weeks ago he threatened to completely remove her from his life because she couldn't refrain from making nasty comments about me behind my back. Of course I never wanted to see him forsake his family, but I don't think anyone will ever understand how much that meant to me.

I hate that I've become so emotional...but not as much as I hate that I couldn't make this relationship work.