December 30, 2008

Hey Fahj,

I was just going to call you to see how things are going and then I realized that’s no longer an option. Shit. Another one-sided conversation will have to do. I know you’re reading this from heaven. You have to be. I strongly believe the internet is high speed up there, and who doesn’t take advantage of that?

It’s been a while since I’ve written to you. Life is slowly getting back to…normal. I hesitate to say that because I don’t think it will ever actually be normal again. Shortly after you died, some wise soul (I have forgotten who) said that we will have to find a new normal because it will never be the same again. How true.

Work is okay. I know you’d ask that first if I was really talking to you. I’ve only been back two days so of course it’s still really busy. I’m trying my hardest to hold my shit together and not bawl my eyes out in front of my coworkers, though I’m sure they’d understand if I did. Bob told me that he was there the day you collapsed, the first time he had seen you in years, and you looked up at him after you regained consciousness and said, “Hi Bob.” It was comforting to me to hear that. I like hearing anything you said during your last few hours (REAL hours, that is). I don’t care if somebody told me you were talking gibberish or you dropped the f-bomb seventy-five times in a minute, only stopping to throw in the words “whore” and “dirty cunt.” I would love to hear that. I regret that I was unable to be there myself to see you one last time. Don’t get me wrong, the last time I saw you was oodles of fun, as always. But who knew it would be the last time?

It was incredibly hard to leave home on Christmas Day. Ah shit, I just saw a commercial for The Pink Panther 2 with Steve Martin. Remember when you took Red and I to the first one down in Canal Park? It was actually YOUR idea and we were shocked (albeit delighted) because you were never one to suggest seeing a flick. That reminds me, why did you ever stop saying “DEBURGARE!”

Anyway, Christmas Day. Nick came up that afternoon and, though he left the decision up to us, we opted to leave that day to avoid the shit weather that was on its way. Red and I had a really hard time leaving the house. Just before we did, Red took your top four shirts and put them in her own closet…and then bawled her eyes out when she saw them there. She’s wondering how you’ll find them when you get back from vacation. The tears started gushing out of my eyes too as we were leaving the house and we both cried most of the way back to Duluth. It is so damn hard knowing that you’ll never be there again. That house and land…they were you. No matter how many people are in it, I can’t imagine it ever not feeling empty again.

On Saturday, I did my first wedding dress shopping. It seemed too soon and I felt sort of guilty about going only two weeks after you died. It made me feel like my priorities were out of whack. Red was in town though and Nic’s mom was without plans for the day, so we had to seize that opportunity. I was dreading it from the moment I made the appointment, but it ended up being fun. I didn’t find anything that I absolutely needed to have, so I’m going to continue looking. There’s a wedding fair coming up at the DECC and I’m going to go with Christina and Sue. Red and Gretchy might even come up! I’m in it for the free cake samples…and of course the coupons. I’m going to make a very conscious effort to spend (or save) my money more wisely now that you’re gone. I think it’s what you would have wanted. Hell, I know it is, Mr. Responsible.

The mornings are the hardest for me, when I’m on my way to work. I don’t know for sure what it is about mornings. Maybe the route? It makes me think of trekking home from all those Dukes games you took us to. Then I start looking around, thinking of all these things you’ll never see again, all the places I’ll never go with you again. It’s hard. I still don’t really believe you’re gone. It’s stupid.

Tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. I’m torn about 2009. I want to be excited about getting married but it’s hard to be excited about anything. We have to BURY YOU, ftlog. 2009 is sure to be hella good for you though. Say hi to everyone for me.

Love,
Angie