December 19, 2008

Hey Pops,

Red just asked if I’ve told you yet how much Lucy is barking and how we kind of want to take Old Yeller out back and shoot her? Okay, that’s not completely true but she certainly has a hair trigger lately and it’s frustrating sometimes, especially for Amanda when she’s trying to put Taylor to sleep and keep her asleep. She barks at squirrels, she barks at visitors, she barks at cars that have been in the driveway for days. Sometimes we don’t know why she’s barking at all. Maybe she’s doing it because she likes to hear her own voice. Whatever. She’s grieving just like we are so, in my mind, no matter how frustrating it is, she can pretty much do whatever she wants. Poor dog. She lost her very best friend in the whole world. You’ll be happy to know that she was acknowledged in the obituary.

GAH! Mike just told me that he’s not coming to Virginia today to meet with the benefits manager and that pisses me off. It really does. Red just whispered “hey Nij. Rock, my ass.” HAHA. Amanda’s car won’t start and he’s telling me he can’t come with because he needs to get the car started and “these places” aren’t open on weekends. Why the hell isn’t he doing it right now? And why the hell didn’t he do it sooner? The car has been sitting in the driveway, unable to start, for at least four days. NOW he wants to take care of it. We have had this meeting planned since Monday when he insisted that calling the county couldn’t wait a single second longer. Maybe he needs to learn how to manage his time more effectively. I want to bail out of this just as much as he does, if not more. Thank goodness for Red. I know she won’t fuck me over. We’ll be miserable together.

I’m going crazy here in the house without you and I want to leave. I want to go back to Duluth, back to my life, because this place doesn’t feel like home anymore, now that you’re gone. Like I told Mike and Red yesterday, I see myself drifting away from my life up here as time passes. I feel kind of guilty about it, but I can’t help it. It took your death to make me realize that when I was missing Tower and I was missing the house, it was really YOU that I was missing. I have no burning desire to start spending more time with Mom now that you’re gone. She’s spent the last fifteen years making it very clear that her priorities do not lie with her children, so I don’t feel compelled to make her a higher priority now that you’re gone. I can’t help it. I’m sure I’ll spend a few more weekends here than usual and maybe call a couple times a week until she adjusts to the situation, but after that? Who knows. Nic asked what would happen if she tried to reconcile and forge a closer relationship with me now that you’re gone. I was able to confidently assure him that’s not going to happen. Why would it? She didn’t lose the most important person in her life. I did.

I pulled a muscle in my neck the day of your funeral as soon as we walked into the church and it hurts like a bitch. It was so bad last night that I got probably only two or three hours of sleep. This morning I popped some Advil and went back to sleep for a couple hours and I actually felt guilty about it because Taylor was up, running around, entertaining everyone as usual. It’s not that we don’t have enough people around willing to keep an eye on her but, man, I hate to waste any time I could be spending with that little corker.

I’m going to go pout now because I’m pissed at Mike. Say hi to the grandparents for me.

Love,
Angie