Don't let a gift horse in the house...

I hate Mondays. On a more positive note, this Monday brings with it (FINALLY) the loss of my Friday hangover, so it's almost welcome. Almost.

The diet lasted a solid three days. At least the food part of it lasted a solid three days. Nic brought me to Grandmas Sports Garden on Thursday night to see a couple of bands he loves (along with, apparently, every minor in Duluth) but I have never heard of. You know I can't go to Grandmas without having a couple of beers. Usually I can't even go without already having a couple of beers coursing through me, so I consider downing only two tall Miller Lites a success, though, technically, it could be considered cheating on the ol' (new) diet. Whatever.

The diet was obviously over on Friday, as Nic and I headed to the cities for a weekend of fun....or, more accurately, eating. Believe it or not, Chipotle, Ruby Tuesday, and PF Changs aren't really prime options for eating healthy. Maybe they have healthy options, but I choose to not find out. Instead, I use them as opportunities to irreversibly clog my arteries. Oh, and cookies, Top the Tater, green licorice chunks? Also probably not great for me.

Nic and I met up with Dent Kent in Maplewood early in the afternoon so he could finally restore his new CR-V back to the condition it was in when he bought it...which, as you know, changed less than six hours after he got it home. To my home, not his. If he'd just followed my gut and brought it to his home, this never would have happened. Boys...

Next, I waited very patiently in the car while Nic went to some music store in St. Paul to check on the amp he has on consignment there. An entire half hour and I didn't complain once...except to Red and a then little bit to Nic. I passed the time taking videos of random people passing by on the sidewalk. Creepy, right?

We went to pick Red up from work (late, of course) and proceeded on to Chipotle and then Rainbow Foods and then Surdyks, a big liquor store downtown that impressed Red and Nic but did nothing for me, because it was smaller than Cashwise and didn't even have Bud Light Lime.

When we got to Red's place, we immediately settled in, which means we cracked a beer, and then Nic and I sat on her floor and counted her condom fund. What can I say? I'm an accountant. I was born to count money. Nic is just helpful by nature.

Tuna showed up at about 8 o'clock for beer and fun. Her arrival was followed shortly by that of Nic's friend and former bandmate Tim and Red's friend and former...yeah...John. Tim didn't stay very long, but he did stay long enough for Red to tell him repeatedly that he got married too early--too early meaning, of course, before he ever met her. The reasons she fell in love with him include, but are not limited to:
1. He came out of the bathroom and announced that he had just slathered her peppermint lotion all over his body and he was feeling tingly.
2. He likes beer better from a can than from a bottle. And to think Red paid an extra seventy cents for bottles, because she thought everyone preferred that fancy shit.
3. He picked up her phone as soon as she walked out of the apartment to let John in and asked me what the security code is so he could change the greeting. Admittedly, this made me love Tim more than it made Red love him, but only because she was out of earshot and didn't get to hear it firsthand.

All of these things combined led Red to ask questions like "is Tim happily married?" as well as "what is Tim's last name? I want to try it on," and make announcements such as "I can eat gluton" all weekend long.

Unfortunately, Tim had other plans and didn't stay very long. When he left, we all settled onto the living room floor with Apples to Apples. That's always when the party really starts. At this point the night starts becoming a little blurry.

I do remember Gretchen asking me to take a picture of her on my phone and send it to Jose. I did this. You know I was drunk because I actually had to subscribe to picture mail right on the spot--picture mail, a feature I will most likely never use again--and I did it without batting an eye. This led Jose and his friends to call my phone, rather than Gretchen's, an issue I thought we had cleared up until what I can only guess was a couple of hours after Gretchen had gone home. Red and I were sitting on her loveseat together when I shushed her and told her I thought I heard voices. She was all, "duh, it's the tv!" Thanks, Red, for nothing. We turned the volume down on the tv and, sure enough, her loveseat was speaking Spanish! My phone was crammed in between the cushions and Tuna's love interest and/or Mexican friends from Honduras were chatting away.

I'll admit, I blacked out. I woke up the next morning with the worst headache I have ever experienced. Usually the hangover headache doesn't even kick in for at least a couple of hours and even then it's typically pretty mild but, oh no, this one came fast and furious. I guess that's what happens when you drink for nearly twelve hours straight, splitting approximately forty-five beers with two other people. Yeah, that's right. Red and John and I are THAT hardcore. John is the most hardcore though, because he's the one who started pouring "shots" of Jack Daniels into Red's largest glasses when the beer ran out. THANK GOD we didn't realize there was vodka, because I may have not woke up at all on Saturday morning.

Saturday was awful. Just making my way from the floor to the loveseat and then to Red's bed was an accomplishment. At one point, Nic walked by her room with a bag of Chex Mix in his hand and said, "get up. I'm hungry," without even a hint of nice in his voice. Red was getting more of the same from Tuna, so I finally dragged my ass out of bed at around 2pm and readied myself for the day...or what was left of it.

We went to Riverwood Drive to see all the improvements that Tuna has made to her house lately and it was weirder than I ever thought it would be to be back. I couldn't even remember where to turn to get there. Red, she of the worst sense of direction in recorded friggin' history, had to tell Nic where to turn. Sadly, we didn't run into any of the old neighbors, but I suppose Rob is the only one I'd really care to run into anyway. Oh, we did see Richard out with Heidi and Princess though!

Gretchy joined us for a late (and she didn't let us forget it) lunch at Ruby Tuesday in Apple Valley. Sadly, I have never seen the salad bar in such need of replenishment and I was too ill to go back for a second round once all the wrongs had been righted. My body was even rejecting its old friends, the Ruby minis and fries, like a bad organ transplant.

Despite the gastrointestinal issues and the waitress spilling my root beer all over Tuna's chair (I was SO thirsty, you have no idea), it was one of my best meals in ages, if only for the conversations. At one point, Nic, referring to the paintable horse I got Red for her birthday, asked if her box got smashed and she looked at him in bewilderment for just a moment before reply, "yeah, but I liked it." It was also at the dinner table that Tuna and I got to hear all the details of the experience that brought Red and Nic closer together than they ever hoped to be. If I had to pass out before all the good stuff went down, I am at least grateful that Nic was awake to experience it for me.

The rest of the evening we spent lying around, talking about going to see Stepbrothers, even looking up show times, though I don't think any of us actually expected to make it. I drifted in and out of consciousness on Nic's lap, watching some movie so shitty I can't believe Red ever purchased it. Later, we watched an impressive fireworks display from her sliver of a deck, surrounded by Slamis running around like banshees, screaming "fireworks!" Then it was off to bed and we all slept very, very well. Even Nic, who usually bitches and moans up a storm about sleeping anywhere but in a bed. He has no sense of adventure.

Our weekend came to an end much too soon, with little worth noting happening on Sunday. Oh, except that we had lunch with Tim and his wife. The sexual tension was palpable between Red and Tim. Har har.