Define sexy.

Last night I made my first post-holiday madness trip to the mall. As is the case with the first post-holiday madness adventure each year, I found myself drawn to the strategically placed calendar kiosk. I was delighted to get a calendar for Christmas from Brody and Audrey, chock full of adorable pictures of them taken throughout the year...but this is just tradition...and we don't want to mess with tradition, people.

I pored laboriously over my choices for a good fifteen minutes until...BAM...something exciting caught my eye. Stashed somewhere between Lindsay Lohan and the Simpsons were the Sexiest Men of Reality TV and Sexiest Women of Reality TV . Personally, I don't watch a lot of reality television. To be really honest, my crippling obsession with The Golden Girls means that my tv seldom sees action other than that of the Lifetime variety. However, once or twice a week, as necessary, I surf on over to MTV for my fix of The Real World, Road Rules, or any combination of the two. I'm not ashamed to admit that I cannot get enough of these crazy sluts and their dramatic escapades. So, I'm sure you can imagine my delight when I realized that these calendars included some familiar faces. I couldn't have put them down if they were on fire.

Being the heterosexual young woman that I am, I grabbed the male version of the calendar first. Can I just say yum? Landon...Mark...Eric...three of my favorites, all looking absolutely scrumptious! I wasn't immediately sold on David as a pinup, but then I saw the picture of him in uniform. That's all it takes. I'd bring him home.

Next, after glancing around quickly to make sure nobody was paying any attention to me, I grabbed the sexy reality women off the shelf. I'm telling you, it was painful...and chock full of the ickiest reality swine to ever grace my television screen. Seriously, these are the girls that Playboy keeps rejecting, no matter how many boob jobs they get. Everyone rips on Cara for posing for Playboy, but hey, she's gorgeous. I'd hang her on my wall.

Who wouldn't I hang on my wall? Well, for starters...BETH....with a little ROBIN on the side...and a dash of KATIE...and then throw in some TRASHELLE, just for good measure.

The female version was so hideous that I couldn't bring myself to support whoever produces this trash...so I reluctantly opted against pinning Landon and Mark on my wall.

Had to go with the second choice....Nuns Having Fun.