The devil wears Versace.

Today is Sunday, day three of my extended weekend o' drunken debauchery, and I'm strongly considering throwing in the towel. Too much hangover, too few heterosexual men. My time would be much better spent knitting fashionable scarves for elderly people in third world countries. Since I don't know how to knit, nor do I have any desire to learn, I just might spend the rest of my long weekend sleeping.

Aurora moved to Duluth on Friday. Here's the thing about Aurora: she makes me want to drink. Heavily. Over and over again. I mean that in the least offensive way possible. So, Friday night? The world was my oyster and the beer flowed like wine.

We hung out with this guy:

His name is Brian. There's no denying that he's hot, but I don't know...there's just something missing. A hot pink stretch choker perhaps? On second thought, it's probably a good thing that he wasn't wearing it, because bitches would have been all over him like flies on shit, and I'm not sure we would have been okay with sharing.

We also hung out with this guy:

His name is Eddie. His English is broken and unimpressive, but he's fluent in the language of love. If you're into dark meat with hairy abdominals and mad seduction skills, he's a one-man parade of sexy. I thought about taking him home with me, but let's face facts. I can't handle all that. I'm no longer the spring chicken that I once was.

(Footnote (in the middle): Baja Billy's has the best salsa this side of the Rio Grande. Trust me. I'm an amateur salsa connoisseur and I'd gladly die tomorrow if you could guarantee that there would be an ample supply of Baja Billy's salsa waiting for me on the other side. Incidentally, I'm also an ass connoissuer, but I like salsa more.)

So, we went to some place called Red Star and it was a little trendy for my tastes. I was intimidated into ordering an appletini, for Pete's sake, and that's just not my style. I prefer a sultry dive with a clientele so classy that you never know when the greasy, toothless dude in the corner is going to sneak up behind you and start gumming your earlobe. You know, the kind of place where you worry about getting crabs from the toilet seat but you'll risk it because they sell HALF GALLONS OF BEER FOR TWO DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS.

Having said that, I don't regret the Red Star outing. It had its moments. But if I ever go back, it will only be because the help looks like this:

Deeeeelicious!

After a late night/early morning trip to Erberts & Gerberts (tap tap TAPPY!), we headed home for the night. Guess who met us at home? Good ol' Will. When he heard that Aurora was in town, he eagerly offered to be the "meat in that sandwich." Anybody who knows Aurora knows that she doesn't even like meat in her sandwich. She likes peanut butter and jelly. Poor kid had to settle for making out with me alone. Let's all take a moment to sigh audibly and shake our heads sympathetically, shall we?

Saturday night ended up being a lot less booze-soaked for us, and therefore, not as much fun. I don't care what your mom says. Sometimes you need to drink to have fun.

First stop, the Radisson. Yvonne was delighted to see us, as usual, and she was funnier than I've ever seen her before. She could not WAIT to show off the Versace sunglasses that she bought at Sam's Club. Turns out she really loves to shop. Her mother-in-law ate hot dogs for ten years so she could leave her children a decent inheritance. She specifically told Yvonne's husband that he was not to share any of the money with her. Then the bitch died and he used the dough to pay off Yvonne's credit cards, so she ran out and bought a 2005 Louis Vuitton. Ha! The bitch is rolling over in her grave.

When she wasn't yelling "You goddamn right that's a good drink!" or telling us about catching wedding parties fucking in the bathroom (twice this season!), the following conversation transpired:

Yvonne: "The last time I went on a cruise with my husband, I got a red nightgown from Frederick's of Hollywood. It was very sexy."
Drunk: "What did your husband think of that?"
Yvonne: "He got Viagra."
Drunk: Giggle, giggle. "Did she REALLY just say that?"
Yvonne: "What! They make plus sizes. It was very hot. There was even some butt cleavage."

I had nightmares last night.

Then we went to the Pioneer and it sucked. Then we went to Aces and it was a really cool place but still, sorta sucked. Then we went to Erbs & Gerbs because there's a hot boy there. Aurora wants to grab his big earrings and lick his face.

I'm going to Tower.

The end.