Dear Dad,

Ahh, finally a break in the action to write you a note, catch you up on all the exciting shit going on in my life.

Our puppy came home to us about a week and a half ago. Her name is Maisy and, aside from her ADD (which she totally gets from Nic), she's pretty close to perfect. She's already over seventeen weeks old, so not a teeny tiny ball of fur. She's very mellow and loves, loves, loves people. Well, her people anyway. A lot of times she's afraid of people we meet on our walks...especially people with big dogs. She loves kids though. She and Taylor get along famously. She's exactly what I wanted...a cute little yellow dog to cuddle with. The first week we had her, there were some accidents and a serious meltdown almost every time we put her in the crate, but she's improved so much already. Now when we tell her to kennel up, she runs! In the right direction! Keeping up with her is a lot of work, especially because every time she leaves the room, I'm concerned that she's dropping a deuce on the floor, but we have encountered far fewer frustrations than I expected from a puppy.

Red, Maisy, and I went home for Easter weekend on Friday morning. Your Gootsy wasn't nearly as rotten to the puppy as I expected. They basically ignored each other, which was perfectly fine with me. Maisy tried to initiate play a few times, but Goots growled and snarled at her in that crabby old lady way we all know so well, and my submissive little puppy ran away and left her alone for a few hours until giving it another try.

She LOVED being able to run around off the leash at home and that was my favorite part of having her up there. We let her off the leash briefly in the yard here, but because she's still so new to us, she's usually restrained. I felt a little guilty about bringing her back here and putting her back on the leash. Mike and I took all four dogs for a nice long walk on Saturday afternoon and Maisy really impressed me. She stuck pretty close and, when she wandered off, Boo was really good about rounding her up. I sure wish you'd been there. I don't doubt for a second that you would love this dog and have so much fun with her. She would love you too. They always did.

Dog talk aside, the weekend was actually pretty hard for me. It's the first time I've really spent any significant amount of time outside up there since you died and I only did it this time because my puppy required it. I found myself crying a lot and missing you more than ever when I was out there, surrounded by all of your toys and your projects. It really chaps my ass that you never got to enjoy the new garage that you worked so hard to build. Just sayin'.

To add to the emotional distress, Red and I watched Marley and Me. Well, Red watched it. I caught little bits and pieces and, for the last fifteen minutes of the movie, sat on your bed, crying my eyes out and occasionally yelling out to Red to ask if the dog died yet. It's an awful movie...probably because we've been there...and will be there again.

On Friday night, Red and I went out with Marie, Nate, Brad, and Beth. It was really nice to see them and share some memories of you. I had no idea how sick you were, Dad. I wish I'd known. I want to say that I'm mad at you for not going to the doctor but I know that you did at least twice and the bastards assured you that you were fit as a fiddle. Now I find myself wondering if you knew you were going to die. You obviously knew something was wrong if you were bloated to the size of a pregnant woman and couldn't eat anything and didn't have the energy to take your regular walks for several months. I wonder if you knew when you collapsed if the end was near. Or if it hit you when you had the awful chest pain in the ambulance. Or if you just never knew. I think you knew. It breaks my heart, but I think you knew.

JoAnn came up for Easter, which was nice. I don't remember her ever coming for Easter before. She brought Taylor a stuffed bunny that she said the Easter Bunny dropped off at her house for the kiddo. Very cute. She's so good with that granddaughter of yours. She absolutely adores her and it's so heartwarming. It's cheesy, but true. Taylor's probably wondering who this nice lady who looks so much like Grandpa is.

I had another dream a couple nights ago that you were very sick and we all knew you were dying but we got to say goodbye. In the dream, you were so skinny and old and your ears were huge and when you hugged me, I knew it was the last goodbye. I said, "Dad, I just want you to know..." and there was nothing else to say. My mouth froze and I couldn't say any more. I think maybe it's because you knew everything I needed you to know. I believe I made it very clear while you were here on earth that I loved you, I admired you, and I was so proud of you. I'm haunted by the vision from that dream of you old and sick and miserable and maybe, for that reason, it was a positive dream. For all the shittiness in this situation, I AM happy that I never had to see you like that. The two bloated, tubed-up, suspense-filled days you spent in the hospital sucked for us, but I don't believe you were even still there at that point. Blah, blah, blah. I keep rehashing the same points over and over again, I know, but that's just because I can't stop thinking about them. IT'S SO FRUSTRATING. You lost a parent. You know.

Taylor was somehow even more fun and even more beautiful over the Easter weekend than the last time I saw her. She's smart and funny and loves the fourwheeler. She and her mom couldn't get enough of it. Whether she does or not, the rest of us will always remember that her first ride was with grandpa.

Nic is out of town for the night and it's so weird to have the house to myself. I thought I would miss my alone time when I moved in with him but, to be honest, this sucks. I get a lot of my own time when he works on amps, but I miss at least having him in the house, running up to use the bathroom and give me a kiss every once in a while. See? You had nothing to worry about with us. Less than six months to go before the wedding and we're not even close to sick of each other.

I'm going to eat some beef now. I miss you.

Love,
Angie